Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Assumptions People Make Because I'm a Minster



#1) I MELT WHEN YOU CUSS

People who normally have a knack for profanity seem to bottle it or correct themselves around me.

I was around a group of people the other day who were getting ready to say a joke. The person delivering the joke aknowledged me for a moment in saying that he would not say the joke around me because it was vulger.

When people learned that I have served as a pastor, life around me becomes rated G. People go from Eddie Murphy to Walt Disney in seconds. Someone will drop 'the F bomb', turn their heads, notice me, and offer an ambarrassed apology. I can't count how many times I will be excluded from conversation for fear of tainting my 'virgin ears'.

I understand the unwritten rule about respecting a 'Man of God', but I have something to say: not only have I heard it before, I used to say it...A LOT. Yes, after my Christian conversion, I decided swearing was something I wanted to leave behind. Beforehand, I would have made a sailor blush. I wasn't an athlete, but if cussing was a sport, I would've been an MVP.

Some remember me in my early years, walking into a church, discovering a highly offensive way of praising the Lord. "----in' halelujiah! Praise the ----in' Lord!Give God the mother----in' praise!" Oh yes. I prided myself in profanity.

And in short, people, I won't melt if you cuss. It's not like I want you to, but I'm not a porcelin doll who will crack and break either. I'm a veteran who used it all and then some. So please, stop being such a ----- and be ----in' honest and just be your ----in' self!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Fundamentalism Funny?



I want to begin with a disclaimer that this review carries with it a bias. Not only is Matthew Paul turner my friend, but my wife grew up in the same church and Christian school that he did. Though he changed all the names, I know about nearly everyone that he refers to. For me and especially for my wife, this book is a real treat when you can put faces and locale on a nationally published memoir. But its also a curse because the wonderful shock value that many will experience in reading this is dulled significantly for me.

That being said, I truly believe that Churched is author Matthew Paul Turner’s breakthrough achievement. I have read nearly all fifteen of his books. Each book, beginning with Christian Culture Survival Guide, slowly shaped what would become Turner’s signature style. With each book, he strayed further from Christian advice and closer to genuine storytelling. Churched is the book he wanted to write all along. For Turner fans, this is the book you been waiting on him to write. For many Christians who routinely go to the religion section at Borders in search of their regular helping of Christian living guides, Turner’s poignant and completely hilarious memoir will be a sweet shock to the system. In fact, I think anyone of any religion or background would enjoy this.

Churched is not a seven key guide to a better spiritual life, nor is it a devotional. And he doesn’t try to tell you how to survive abusive church doctrine as the cover might suggest. It is Turner’s story, or should I say a collection of stories. His memoir is loosely chronological and uses several essays to portray a different facet of life growing up in a highly strict and fundamentalist environment. He covers everything from hypertensive paranoia of Satan to a soul winning contest where the prize is too priceless to spoil on this review. At four years old, Turner’s family decided that God no longer favored their Methodist church and converted to a fundamentalist Baptist Church plant. Matthew leaves what he described as normal childhood to an environment where fire and brimstone was delivered in bulk. Long hair was no longer allowed to touch his ears and The Smurfs were strictly forbidden. Turner, as the protagonist, portrays himself as a sincere young man who wants nothing more than to be pleasing to Heavenly Father, which is also mirrored by his high admiration for his own father. He is a constant for Matthew, who achieves a balance that keeps his feet on the ground and his head in the clouds at the same time.

At first glance, this is a book about fundamentalism; but look deeper and you will find that it’s also about boyhood innocence. Look deeper and you’ll see it’s also about the relationships we have with our parents. Look deeper and you see a story about an era in the 80’s where pop culture and evangelicals collided through the media. Peel another layer back and you see two constant themes: fear and hope. Perhaps you will see other layers that I missed, which makes this story worth reading multiple times.

This book is packed with stories that will take you off guard and cause you to laugh out loud. Because they are true makes them even funnier. In one scene, Turner describes the ‘heroism’ of a ‘Godly’ mother protecting her children from the “bad part” while watching Ben Hur. In another, a member of the church grouchily explains that smoking is a sin, as it will greatly increase the risk of giving Jesus cancer since he lives in your heart. The two signature stories that most people will talk about is the demonstration of hell in Sunday School by burning Barbies. The annual boxing match between his Pastor and Satan are worth the price of the book alone. The book could easily be dark and filled with angst, but I appreciate that Turner decided to forgo heavy emotional nuances and take on a tone that is honest, nostalgic, whimsical and sympathetic. Like good art, he shows you his world and you have the opportunity to react as you see fit. The greatest gift of this book, in my opinion, is that Turner isn’t bitter. Despite being poorly misrepresented, he still loves Jesus.

My only real criticism is that I wished that the book would have included at least a few photographs that he regularly displays on his blog (www.jesusneedsnewpr.blogspot.com) that features he and his sisters dressed for church. Given the awkward humor of the text, I think readers would benefit from the visuals as a little added proof.

In my opinion, Matthew Paul Turner has found his voice. Though he has kept his writing career alive with books on dating advice, college preparation, and relearning Christianity; Churched marks him as an author who stands alone in a new wave of Christian literature that forgoes an agenda and does the good and simple act of writing good books. He is by and large a storyteller and I hope he stays this way. Respectably, his memoir can sit as easily on a shelf next to a David Sedaris or Augustine Burroughs as it can in Family Christian stores. I certainly hope that Churched is the first of many books of this magnitude that stays with me long after I have shut it.

I'm Back Baby!!!


I look forward to bringing the very best (or worst depending on your perception) of my thought life.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

My Wife Is Buff!


This is my wife, and she is tough.

It is a really cool thing being married to a personal trainer. I mean, she's fit and sexy...definetely MAJOR bragging rights for a guy such as myself.

At the same time, I have to watch out! When we were dating, she was still in the process of losing some weight and learning how to exercise. Back in those days, I used to show her things. Now, she totally dominates in me in fitness. She has so completely surpassed me. It's like she has evolutionized before my eyes into this advanced being. People that have done her health assesments recently have been amazed at her health scores being off the charts.

See, now I must beware, lest I lose an arm! It's a weird place, being an average guy married to a fitness guru. The 'old school' in me struggles with the idea of being the lesser talent physically. At work, people always threaten to tell my wife when they see me eating some candy. "Oh, you're going to get it!" they say as they dial her number.

However, the missus has shown me grace from time to time, which is good. I need a little more slack as I lack talent in self restraint. This little lady of mine is such a valuable resource for fitness and is teaching me so much.

Check out her website at www.amandaheartsfitness.blogspot.com

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Comment if you made it through the whole thing!!!




What is worse is that this guy is wearing a Mud Hens jersey, indicating that he is from my hometown, Toledo. First Katy Holmes, now this!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Moments of Extreme Cuteness!




Tell me this doesn't make you melt! A first ever shout out to Korea and the Beatles at the same time!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Thing.......



Is it a cat? A rhino? Pig? All three? You decide. This is what my head does with free time!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Hokey Pokey: A Review


Are you ready to figure out your life's calling? Tired of feeling confused about the utter perplexity that is involved in figuring out your life? If you answer yes and are ready for a ten step, fail-proof guide to a self assured, worry free understanding of your calling... then this book may confuse you.

Smart and breezy, challenging yet refreshing; Matthew Paul Turner has, in my opinion, hit a home run on his newest book entitled, Hokey Pokey: Curious People Finding What Life is All About. Turner, an author and contributor to more than 14 books in a five year span, has quickly established himself as a humorous and sometimes 'edgy' social commentator in the world of Christian culture. However, a phenomenon is occurring to where the commentary is decreasing and his self professed identity as a storyteller is taking shape. This book is the newest in that evolution.

Question: How would a writer go about the difficult task of tackling such a loaded subject like discovering personal calling?

In Hokey Pokey, Turner attempts to enrich us not with piles of scripture, theological reference, acronyms or a twelve step process. Instead, he has stories. Lots and lots of stories, including conversations and interviews with ordinary people (with the exception of Turner's idol, Amy Grant and a brief stint with Kirk Cameron) who have encountered God's calling in many different ways. The book is written conversationally, detouring only to ask the readers questions for reflection. The book is intentional in not providing "all the answers", but rather gives you the lives of several 'curious' people as food for thought in several different facets of calling. In the book, you will meet people, young and old, rich and homeless, happy and broken, who each have a lesson hidden in thier experience. Not to mention that the author shares a sizable piece of the pie with his experiences as well. The formula for this peice of writing is simply from life itself and everyone who shares it with us.

I found this book to be a refreshing journey, as it sets you up to be personally invested. From the start, I sensed that this was not a one stop excursion; rather that this would be a series of 'aha' moments that would need to be revisited. I felt involved and I felt that this book-with all it's personal stories- was directed towards me. These stories somehow became my own as I could identify with the struggles, while at the same time feel utterly challenged by it all. The stories feel like pieces in a puzzle asking where you fit in this picture. From subjects about waiting on God to confronting the sometimes hard truth about ourselves, this book is an overall good conversation about calling. I will say, though, that the conversation driven medium is a bit disarming, as I have been so used to the 'how-to' format in Christian writing. Halfway through this book, I began to get it and now appreciate a Christian author that just 'writes'.

Not to spoil, but this book does not have all the answers. But it will stick with you long after all the pages have been turned. I have finished the book, but strangely enough, the conversation seems to continue.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Little Vacay!

One more day away, and the missus and I head out on a small adventure for 6 days. Two days of travel coupled with four days of 'chill' and I could not be happier. So where are we heading, you wonder? The Caman Islands? Peurto Rico? Guam?

Even better: Indiana.

Oh yeah!

We're not traveling there as a hope for an exotic vacation, unless you consider flat farm land an exotic locale. No, we're just visiting friends, and I couldn't be more pleased. Not that exotic vacations and cruises aren't good. But sometimes, just a simple place with good friends and nothing to do but enjoy several days of free time-without the stress of passports and tourists- can be the best type of recreation for our rapidly busy world.

Cheers to Indiana! And corn for that matter!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Friday, April 4, 2008

Highlighter Art (first installment)

There will be more when I feel like scanning them. This was the first that I created when I was fed up with paper work for the night.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Rabbits and Emotion: A Bizarre Combination.


I suppose I sometimes feel like these rabbits that I drew. These rabbits pretty much sum up my head right now: Different emotions tightly meshed together and driving one another nuts.
At times I have been feeling impatient. Other times, confused. And in the middle of the two I feel ticked off about feeling either way. Ever get that way? You know-maybe you are on the verge of something new and exciting, but you aren't quite sure what it is. Perhaps this makes you impatient, which causes you to feel even more confused, which eventually cause frustration to pop his head in and say, "Enough, already! You two are both driving me insane!" But then the frustration just causes impatience to get louder while confusion is just getting more...well, you know.
Anyhow, my suggestion for myself-and maybe, for some of you who are crazy enough to even understand this- is to not become so exhausted by the things ahead. It's easy to let these emotions drive you crazy, especially if you have felt 'stuck' for some time. It's exciting when you feel like a much needed change is about to occur, but allowing these emotions to go crazy could sabotage a good thing, or at the very least, cause the journey to be un-enjoyable.
Maybe this doesn't connect with you. For that, I apologize. I suppose my head is an eclectic maze of sorts. But then again, who's isn't these days?

Friday, January 25, 2008

Pure television crack!



What can I say? I'm hooked on American Gladiators. This show, if not handled carefully, can be addictive to say the least. To be honest, I've never been a fan of pro wrestling, to which this is probably compared. But I love this stuff.

Maybe its the idea that these guys practically leap off a comic books page, I don't know. Or maybe because it doesn't pretend to be more than what it is: a game...or contest if you will. Amateur athletes try their strength against abnormally huge human beings also gifted with the agility of cheetas! All this done in an arena littered with gym mats!

For once, television has brought back a show worth resurrecting!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

In from the cold, white fluffy stuff.

Well, snow finally arrived here in Virginia. Work was cancelled, so was school.

All is well with the world.

Until the Cabin Fever kicks in.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Powder!


Yesterday, I was reminded why I am so glad that I am not back in High School.
I work as a counselor, and I had to pick up a student from school. Unable to locate him, I had to park my car and go talk to the office. During my trip, my ears were ringing from heckling calls from squeaky voiced teenagers.
"Powder!" One shouted. "Powder!" By this time, I knew he was talking about me. Ha, ha-how original: calling a guy with platinum blond hair and pale skin "Powder". Being that I am 28, married, and a professional, I felt it best not to pay him or his pubescent buddies any mind. Who are they anyhow? As the the 'Beavis and Butthead' style laughter increased, so did the heckling. I kept forward, not looking back, and even decided to pull out my cell phone to prepare a call. My nerves were now tested as it was obvious among all the teens that I was being challenged. Curse words became interwoven in the 'powder' comments, and his voice scratched into a squeak as he now elevated to calling me a "coke-head".
It was, admittedly, quite the temptation to turn around and humiliate this butt hole in front of all his cronies. To shock him by turning around and playing mind games, or perhaps, use my credibility as an adult and counselor to 'stretch' my testimony to get this kid suspended. Oh, I laughed inside knowing that I could wreck this guy. What an idiot! He may have thought that I was a teenager because, even in a suit, I look young for my age.
I felt inside, what many teens feel at school, and I pity them. My how it sucks to get harassed when you're trying to mind your own business! When images came into my mind of making this boy's face look like a Cabbage Patch Kid's, I laughed to myself. I am ten years out of high school, and yet the pressure of that atmosphere still creates anxiety in me. It is hard being a teen.
For those of you still in high school, I feel your pain. Fret not, though. High School will be over in a jiff, and your former bullies will be changing your oil at a Jiffy Lube (not that there's anything wrong with that)!

I HAVE RETURNED!


Yes, everyone, I believe the smoke of the holidays is finally clearing. Whew!
I will be ready to recieve and answer your letters again!
**A word about writing me e-mails: Please do, but keep your questions relatively short and specific. We live in an ADD world, and no one wants to spend more than 2-5 minutes reading a post! I have been recieving virtual novels for questions, and fear to respond due to boring my readers....or confusing them!