Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Surrounded by kooks!

You ever have one of those days where nearly every person you come into contact with is out of thier mind? You know, the feeling you begin to have when you start to think that maybe you are just predisposed to being stuck with crazy people? Why is it that some people always gloat about thier wonderful encounters with envigorating individuals who changed thier lives forever; while others constantly share stories of being stuck in a waiting room with a man who believes he's Jesus' daughter?

Yes, as you can imagine, I had one of those days. It's probably because I'm the weird guy in the waiting room, only I don't realize it most times. Even if that is the case, I need a break from crazy people sometimes. How hard is anymore to just sit down and chat with someone? Why must they be insane? Maybe this is my penalty for living in rural Virginia where most citizens here live in houses sucluded deep in the woods.

Anyhow, I am home away from the funny farm, and now I must recuperate.

Dear MACHOO

Dear Machoo-

I felt bad for you because no one has asked you any questions. You have so much knowledge to bequeath us with I'm sure! I just don't know what to ask you. I don't have a child with a gas issue. I don't even think I have any problems that would probably match that. But I love your head and every blonde hair that sticks out of it! I know I would love it if you wrote about funny things that happen to you and the humorous weird side of your crazy world! I'm sure everyone else feels the same. We love your head MACHOO! We want inside!

Signed,
Beloved



Dear Beloved,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Though, I'm not sure you know what you are asking. My head, you see, is dangerous. Walking through my head is like Toon Town in "Who Framed Rodger Rabbit". It is indeed a wild place to navigate. I suppose you are right though. I shall continue on....just don't say I didn't warn you!

P.S: I bet you'd make a great wife!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Dear MACHOO:

I have a kid who farts too much, and to be honest with you, it really grosses me out. Last week when we were at Taco Bell, he broke wind so often that we could hear an old man gagging behind us shortly before he dashed to the bathroom. Yesterday we were at McDonald's, and guess what? My son cut the cheese in such a disgusting way that a few customers complained to management. We were almost asked to leave. Tonight, his butt smoke was so thick in the room that I could taste it over my pizza. He's such a sensitive boy and I hate to hurt his feelings, but something has got to give. What should I do?

-A very disgusted parent

Dear Disgusted,

My, you certainly have an arsenal of nicknames for your son's flatulence! I must say that "butt smoke" is my favorite. Seeing as though you have a sensitive child on your hands, you may want to cut down on such 'eloquent' descriptions. As far as an actual solution to your son's excessive emission of methane, I'm not a doctor. You better check with him/her first, though it does sound like you are quite the lover of fast food. You may want to consider giving your boy a piece of fruit now and then.

And no, a Fruit Roll-Up doesn't count!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Exercise may be better than beatings!


I was at the gym today where my wife works as a fitness instructor.

It was only day #1 this week for exercise, and it is Saturday. My wife, I am sure, is not happy about this.

Now, granted, I have some grace in the matter as I had a colonoscopy this week. Unfortunately I was deficient the last two weeks as well. I suppose I'm running out of excuses. It is a surreal place, being the husband of an incredibly talented personal trainer.

It's no secret that my wife kicks my tail in the gym. She completely dominates me. I am not out of shape, but I'm not fit like a Spartan as my wife is either. The other day, I could hear her on the other side of the gym, galloping on the treadmill for nearly an hour. Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump. I wish I could assure you that she took an easy jog for that length of time-ha! It was more like a steady sprint! For an hour!

Now here I am, poking along and getting winded after a half hour on machines and wanting to go home.

I try desperately hard not to use being busy as an excuse for occasional lapses in my fitness agenda. I try hard mainly because I will receive a beating from my lovely wife. That's right....a beating. All the single folks reading this may shake their heads and think I'm 'whipped', but married men know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not in any book about marriage that I've read, but I tell you that beatings quickly follow "I do". Nobody warned me of this. Now, I try to find ways to avoid these episodes.

I may not always feel like exercising, but I never feel like a beating.

So it was on this day that I sweated, grunted, pumped iron, ran laps, and sweated all the more.

After getting started, I looked at my wife as she was working, and admired her strength and beauty. Beatings or not, she had something to teach me. This is her gift. I asked her to help me-to show me the way. I mean how many people can get personal training for free?

Know what? I feel better. I feel healthier. I will be able to sleep soundly tonight...that is if I'm not knocked out cold first.

(Artwork above by your truly)

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Let's begin, shall we?


Well, I'm starting a new blog and all. This ought to be interesting. I hope to put cartoons and stuff up. I really hope this to be a fun site.
Though I guess I'm not kicking this off to a good start by showing this photo. Does this scream interesting to you? I think it shows constipation or the very epitome of boredom.
Yes, I'm naturally this blond.
No. I'm not an albino. Thanks for asking.
Keep posted.