Dear MACHOO:

I have a kid who farts too much, and to be honest with you, it really grosses me out. Last week when we were at Taco Bell, he broke wind so often that we could hear an old man gagging behind us shortly before he dashed to the bathroom. Yesterday we were at McDonald's, and guess what? My son cut the cheese in such a disgusting way that a few customers complained to management. We were almost asked to leave. Tonight, his butt smoke was so thick in the room that I could taste it over my pizza. He's such a sensitive boy and I hate to hurt his feelings, but something has got to give. What should I do?

-A very disgusted parent

Dear Disgusted,

My, you certainly have an arsenal of nicknames for your son's flatulence! I must say that "butt smoke" is my favorite. Seeing as though you have a sensitive child on your hands, you may want to cut down on such 'eloquent' descriptions. As far as an actual solution to your son's excessive emission of methane, I'm not a doctor. You better check with him/her first, though it does sound like you are quite the lover of fast food. You may want to consider giving your boy a piece of fruit now and then.

And no, a Fruit Roll-Up doesn't count!