Dear MACHOO

I have a phobia that I don't share with too many people. I'm not sure about the technical term for it, but all I know is that I really have a fear of Santa Clause! Every year, I'm stuck in my house when I should be out shopping. But I know that he's at the malls and at grocery stores. I've even seen him in banks!!!!! Every time I see him on the television, I can't breathe. I just freeze in place and shut my eyes tight hoping he'll go away. Every time I hear someone say, "Ho-ho-ho", I feel like I have to vomit! MACHOO, what should I do?!

-Freaked out for the holidays



Dear Freaked,

You might not believe me, but you may be more in touch with reality than you think! I think you should fear Santa-we all should. Maybe not in the terror-like fashion that you describe. More-over, caution about Mr. Cringle should be more widely adopted. When you think of it, it should cause some panic. Every year, a "Big Brother for Kids" is pushed in nearly every home, assuring our young ones that they are being watched at all times and will suffer heartbreaking consequences for unruly behavior. Then, in a cruel twist: a poor child may work really hard at obedience, only to get a percentage of his desires while he watches his rich bullies flaunt their amazing new toys during show-and-tell.

The psychology of Santa can really suck, my friend. Though I believe that your fears may having nothing to do with systemic classism as much as something traumatic that occurred in your past. Maybe one of his reindeer really did run over your grandmother (Just a joke, lighten up!).

But if holiday cans of coke are sending you screaming, you may want to see a shrink that doesn't have a beard.